a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
