Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
