im six kinds of drunk right now
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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