PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
