Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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