i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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