just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
