Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
