im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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