Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I need to calm my uterus...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
