some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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