Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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