So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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