Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
