Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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