I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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