OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
