you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
