I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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