I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
