look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
