I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
