First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize