Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
