oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
