if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pants 0. Shit 1.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
