READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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