So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
