She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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