If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
