You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
