you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I stole a fireplace last night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
