i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize