someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
