We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
