I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
