I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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