evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
