I think my fart just growled at me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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