Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the condom got lost in my hair
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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