I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
