Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
