I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
