I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
