You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
