Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
