dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
