The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
