Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
