Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
