I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
