I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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