So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize