I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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