I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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