So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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