I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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