yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
